TAX TIMEA woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.
The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions."
He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, "What is your occupation?"
"I'm a whore," she says.
The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, "No, No, No, that won't work.
Let's try to rephrase that."
The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl."
"No, that still won't work. Try again."
They both think for a moment and the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken farmer."
The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?"
"Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year."
"Chicken Farmer it is."
********************************************************
TAKING A WOMEN TO BEDWhat is the difference between girls/women aged 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58, 68, and 78?
At 8:
You take her to bed and tell her a story
At 18:
You tell her a story and take her to bed
At 28:
You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed
At 38:
She tells you a story and takes you to bed
At 48:
She tells you a story to avoid going to bed
At 58:
You stay in bed to avoid her story
At 68:
If you take her to bed, that'll be a story
At 78:
What story? What bed?
Who the hell are you?
********************************************************
The Sex Fairy1. Sex is a beauty treatment.
Scientific tests find that when
women make love they produce
amounts of the hormone estrogen,
which makes hair shine and
skin smooth.
2. Gentle, relaxed lovemaking
reduces your chances of suffering
dermatitis, skin rashes and blemishes.
The sweat produced cleanses the
pores and makes your skin glow.
3. Lovemaking can burn up
those calories you piled on during that
romantic dinner.
4. Sex is one of the safest sports
you can take up.
It stretches and tones up just aboutevery muscle in the body.
It's more enjoyable than swimming
20 laps, and you don't need
special sneakers!
5. Sex is an instant cure for mild
depression. It releases endorphins
into the bloodstream, producing a
sense of euphoria and leaving you
with a feeling of well-being.
6. The more sex you have, the more
you will be offered. The sexually
active body gives off greater quantities
of chemicals called pheromones.
These subtle sex perfumes drive the
opposite sex crazy!
7 . Sex is the safest tranquilizer in
the world. IT IS 10 TIMES MORE
EFFECTIVE THAN VALIUM.
8. Kissing each day will keep
the dentist away. Kissing
encourages saliva to wash food from
the teeth and lowers the level of
the acid that causes decay,
preventing plaque build-up.
9. Sex actually relieves headaches.
A lovemaking session can release
the tension that restricts blood vessels
in the brain.
10. A lot of lovemaking can unblock
a stuffy nose. Sex is a natural
antihistamine. It can help combat
asthma and hay fever.
**********************************************
Damn ClockThe other night I was invited out for a night with the guys.
I told my wife that I would be home by midnight... "I promise!"
Well, the hours passed quickly and the beer was going down way too easy.
At 3 am, drunk as a skunk, I headed for home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up
and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, I realized she'd probably wake up,
so I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for
having such a rapid, witty solution, even when smashed,
to escape a possible conflict.
The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in,
and I toldher 12 o'clock. She didn't seem disturbed at all.
Got away with that one, I thought!
Then she told me we needed a new cuckoo clock.
When I asked her why she said, "well, last night it cuckooed 3 times,
then said, 'oh crap, cuckooed 4 more times,cleared its throat,
cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then farted."
*************************************************************
Irish Prostitute An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return,
her father cussed her... "Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye
not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not
understand what ye put yer old mother thru?"
The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff....dad....I became a prostitute."
"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a
disgrace to this Catholic family."
"OK, dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur
coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million savings
certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye
daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's
parked outside plus a membership to the country club
.............................. (takes a breath).............. and an
invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in
the Riviera and......"
"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad...
"Sniff, sniff....a prostitute, daddy! Sniff, sniff."
"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a
Protestant. Come here and give yer old dad a hug."
**********************************************************
Oil Change Instructions...Oil Change instructions for Women:
1) Drive into Ultra Tune when the odometer reaches 10,000 kilometres since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee , read free paper.
3) 15 minutes later, write a cheque and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
Money spent:
Oil Change: $40.00
Coffee: $2.00
Total: $42.00
Oil Change instructions for Men:
1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case ofoil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write acheque for $50.00.
2) Stop by the Bottle Shop and buy a slab of beer, write a cheque for $40, drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under caravan.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8 ) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Curse and swear.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oileverywhere from holes. Cleverly, hide old oil filter among rubbish inwheely bin to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
18 ) Dump first litre of fresh oil into engine.
19) Remember drain plug from step 11.
20) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
21) Drink beer.
22) Discover that first litre of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
23) Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.
24) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oilyrag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrenchtightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excessskin between knuckles and frame.
25) Begin swearing fit.
26) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
27) Swear for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.
28 ) Beer.
29) Cleanup hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
30) Beer.
31) Dump in five fresh litres of oil.
32) Beer.
33) Lower car from jack stands.
34) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.
35) Beer.
36) Test drive car.
37) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
38 ) Car is impounded.
39) Call loving wife, make bail.
40) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
Money spent:
Parts: $50.00
DUI: $2400.00
Impound fee: $75.00
Bail: $1500.00
Beer: $40.00
Total: $4,085.00
But you know the job was done right!
Srry guys
*******************************************************
How to make a woman HappyIt's not difficult to make a woman happy.
A man only needs to be:
1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate
WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls
AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes
IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes
HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY
1. Show up naked
2. Bring beer
*******************************************************
W.I.F.E.Four guys and a woman are stuck in an elevator.
While they are stuck, they strike up a conversation.
The first guy says, 'I'm a Y.U.P.P..I.E., you know...
''Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist.''
The second guy says, 'I'm a D.I.N.K.Y, you know...
Double Income, No Kids Yet. '
The third guy says, 'I'm a R.U.B., you know...
''Rich, Urban, Biker. '
The fourth guy says, I am a D.I.L.D.O, you know....
'Double Income, Little Dog Owner.''
They turn to the woman and ask her. ''What are you?''
She replies: 'I'm a WIFE, you know...
*******************************************************
Fireman and his bells...Fireman comes home from work and says to the wife we have a new system at work now.
Bell 1 means put on your jackets.
Bell 2 jump on engine & so on.
The fireman says we can to the same to night when we go to bed but
Bell 1 means strip naked
Bell 2 means jump on bed
Bell 3 means make made love
So that night he says "Bell 1" so they both strip.
"Bell 2" they both jump on the bed.
"Bell 3" they start to make mad love.
She then shouts "Bell 4!"
He says " what the feck is bell 4?"
She replies "Roll out more hose you're nowhere near the fecking fire!"
****************************************************************
Old Motor! The marriage of an 80 year old man and a 20 year old woman was the talk of the town.
After being married a year, the couple went to the hospital for the birth of their first child.
The attending nurse came out of the delivery room to congratulate
the old gentleman and said, 'This is amazing. How do you do it at yourage?'
The old man grinned and said, 'You got to keep the old motor running.
The following year, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of
their second child. The same nurse was attending the delivery and again
went out to congratulate the old gentleman.
She said, 'Sir, you are something else. How do you manage it?'
The old man grinned and said, 'You gotta keep the old motor running..'
A year later, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their third child.
The same nurse was there for this birth also and, after the delivery,
she once again approached the old gentleman, smiled, and said,
'Well, you surely are something else! How do you do it?'
The old man replied, 'It's like I've told you before, you gotta keep the old motor running.'
The nurse, still smiling, patted him on the back and said:
'Well, I guess it's time to change the oil. This one's black.'
*******************************************************
How old is Grandpa??? Stay with this -- the answer is at the end. It will blow you away. One evening a grandson was talking to his grandfather about current events.
The grandson asked his grandfather what he thought about the shootings at schools,
the computer age, and just things in general.
The Grandfather replied, 'Well, let me think a minute, I was born before:
' television
' penicillin
' polio shots
' frozen foods
' Xerox
' contact lenses
' Frisbees and
' the pill
There were no:
'credit cards
' laser beams or
' ball-point pens
Man had not invented: 'panty hose
' air conditioners
' dishwashers
' clothes dryers
' and the clothes were hung out to dry in the fresh air and
' man hadn't yet walked on the moon
Your Grandmother and I got married first, . . . and then lived together.
Every family had a father and a mother.
Until I was 25, I called every man older than me, 'Sir'.
And after I turned 25, I still called policemen and every man with a title, 'Sir.'
We were before gay-rights, computer- dating, dual careers, day-care centers,
and group therapy.
Our lives were governed by the Ten Commandments, good judgment,
and common sense..
We were taught to know the difference between right and wrong and to stand up
and take responsibility for our actions.
Serving your country was a privilege; living in this country was a bigger privilege.
We thought fast food was what people ate during Lent.
Having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with your cousins.
Draft dodgers were people who closed their front doors when the evening breeze started.
Time-sharing meant time the family spent together in the evenings and
weekends-not purchasing condominiums.
We never heard of FM radios, tape decks, CDs, electric typewriters,
yogurt, or guys wearing earrings.
We listened to the Big Bands, Jack Benny, and the President's speeches on our radios.
And I don't ever remember any kid blowing his brains out listening to Tommy Dorsey.
If you saw anything with 'Made in Japan ' on it, it was junk
The term 'making out' referred to how you did on your school exam.
Pizza Hut, McDonald's, and instant coffee were unheard of.
We had 5 &10-cent stores where you could actually buy things for 5 and 10 cents.
Ice-cream cones, phone calls, rides on a streetcar, and a Pepsi were all a nickel.
And if you didn't want to splurge, you could spend your nickel on enough stamps
to mail 1 letter and 2 postcards.
You could buy a new Chevy Coupe for $600, . . but who could afford one?
Too bad, because gas was 11 cents a gallon.
In my day:
' 'grass' was mowed,
' 'coke' was a cold drink,
' 'pot' was something your mother cooked in and
rock music' was your grandmother's lullaby.
' 'Aids' were helpers in the Principal's office,
' 'chip' meant a piece of wood,
' 'hardware' was found in a hardware store and software' wasn't even a word.
And we were the last generation to actually believe that a lady needed
a husband to have a baby. No wonder people call us 'old and confused'
and say there is a generation gap... and how old do you think I am?
I bet you have this old man in mind... you are in for a shock! Pretty scary if you think about it and pretty sad at the same time.. This man would be only 59 years old. **************************************************
The RulesWe always hear ' the rules '
From the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered '1 '
ON PURPOSE!
1. Men are NOT mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.
That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and
one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one
1. You can either ask us to do something.
Or tell us how you want it done. Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials..
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit.
We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to,
Expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really .
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to
discuss such topics as Motorcars , or Football or golf, or Darts etc.
At last we fight back, 1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;
But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
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Subject: Time to put a smile on everybody's face ;) 
Thu May 03, 2012 7:47 am
